Friday, September 19, 2008

It's a live BABY!

Hi,
Went for an u/s yesterday and there was the heart beating away! It made me so happy and what a relief. Life in the IF world makes it hard to let the joy of a new pregnancy seep in...who knows what can happen. But really, who knows??? My husband always talk about "jinxing"; to me there is no jinxing. It is what it is.

Being in the IF clinic yesterday was so weird. I felt all that familiare sadness rushing back to me. I tried not to look at anyone, but saw the oh so familiar look on the women's faces. I can't wait to finally leave this world and move on to the moving on world. I have been stuck for so long. My whole relationship with my husband has changed. I actually feel like our old loving selves.

Monday is my last u/s at the IF clinic and I am done!!! fingers crossed for a healthy happy baby.

Good luck to everyone trying and not trying. Miracles happen. Saying prayers for you!!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Good Numbers, but Not Sure What They Mean!

Hi!

It's been a whirlwind. Took my 1st beta on Monday and got 1370 and took another yesterday and got 3300. The nurse says that good. To be honest, I am very clueless about what that means exactly.

Feeling okay. The boobs are out of control, can't sleep, and need to pee. I was already busting out of my pants before and it's not long before I need to buy new ones. Yikes.

My husband is so funny. He does not really believe it all. Even after my numbers, he wants more proof.

I am ready to tell everyone, but holding back until 12 weeks. I just want to be sure everything is okay!


Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts.

xoxo

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Pregnant!!!

Hello! Thursday night at 10:30pm was the best night of my life. Fear was lifted and I walked into the bathroom and took the test. As I waited, I washed my face and looked into the mirror...I looked up and said, "it's okay to look." I looked and it said PREGNANT!!!!! I ran around my room, hugged my cat, and cried.

My husband arrived home at 12:30 am. I ran down the stairs with the test and showed him. We hugged and cried and here we are.

Going for the official blood test tomorrow.

Hooray! 100mg of Clomid and some good old-fashioned sex. Thank you God and thank you everyone.

xoxoxo

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Frozen with Fear and Hope!

Well, my period has not shown yet. It's unofficially 3 days late. I am beside myself and running to the bathroom every hour. My period is never late. Could the 100mg of Clomid made it late?

I CAN'T bring myself to take a PG test. It's too much on both sides of the fence. Am or am not?

Going to acupuncture this afternoon. Having one stuck in my head to hold the pregnancy in; just in case.

I had a long talk with God at 4am this morning. It's in His hands, but I made a few promises along the way.

xoxo

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

It's Going to Be a GREAT Fall!

Hello Team,
Back from my IVF consult. Okay, I cried. My husband and I almost fell off our chairs when we found out the cost...drum roll please...$16k including meds. We have no ins. coverage for IF.

The nurse could not have been sweeter!! She went through everything and then asked me what day my last period was. Aug 5. What? Yikes, my symptoms COULD be implantation. She totally got my hopes up. spotting, sore boobs, lower back pain. Hopes Up. My husband finally said we have to stop talking about it; in case we jinx ourselves. Okay, still hopes up. spotting!!!

Anyhow, IVF is planned for November. I am doing ONE MORE Clomid cycle with a Day 12 u/s to see what side I am ovulating on.

Deep breath! Hopes up! Saving my pennies. ;)

Monday, August 25, 2008

2WW...everything is a symptom

I am in the dreaded 2WW and feeling every bit of it. My boobs are super sore and have a few other little potential symptoms. It's either I am pregnant or getting my period super early.
I feel like I am trying to find symptoms...it's like looking for a glimmer of hope.

Tomorrow my husband and I are going for our IVF consulattion...I am nervous and excited.

xoxoxo

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

2WW and a missed IUI

I guess it was not meant to be. My husband and I could not get it together to do the IUI, but double dose of clomid and a lot of fun sex...perhaps a baby we made?

2WW...on to the acupuncture, back in the pool, and no caffeine.

My prayer remains the same. Please God, let me get pregnant this month and have a baby. And a whole slew of promises to be a better wife, employee, person......
xoxoxo

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Today, I am better

I knew I would feel better today, but what a yesterday I had.

So, get the period, meet with my Doc. about IVF, and order $12,000 worth of kitchen remodeling stuff. oi! Too much, but sometimes we need to put one foot in front of the other!

Dr. S. , my husband and I had a talk yesterday. I have decided to move forward with IVF AFTER one more cycle of clomid...yes, I love the torture. My Dr. is so no-nonsense....he's like "what's one more month?" I actually was pissed he said that; until I wasn't...what is one more month? We start IVF at the end of September if the round of clomid does not work. I am excited and scared about everything. The Dr. was not overly hopeful and maybe that's his job is to be realistic, but with my circumstances there is a 30% it's going to work.

I was pleasantly surprised at the cost(remember no ins. coverage) it's ONLY going to be $10-12k...I had it in my mind that it was going to be $25k. Where I got that I have no idea. I am hoping to hook up with some donated drugs and overall just get the show on the road. I am trying to keep myself in the now! And now the "ifs" of IF. I am continuing with my accupuncture and need to get myself back in the pool.

Our kitchen is going to be gorgeous. We are such glutens for punishment. Anyone else doing IVF and a kitchen remodel?

Thank you to everyone who leaves me such nice comments. It really helps.

xoxox

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

In The Pit....

..of despair. Yes, I got my period this morning. AFTER, I had a HUGE fight with my husband about our upcoming kitchen renovation. Um, yeah. Nice way to start the morning.

I actually let myself go down the positive path because my period was 2 days late and I am NEVER late. I imagined myself telling my husband, our parents..our friends. I woke up this morning with no period and took a pg test. Negative. Hmm, I wondered to myself...maybe it's broken. No, I am broken.

Tomorrow, I will feel better. Today, I don't.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Clomid Bloat!

That shit reeks havoc on your body!! I never felt so full in my life. None of my clothes fit, I was winded, and more. Post clomid I was very moody. I actually was hit with waves of dispare. It was like one minute I was fine and the next, I was crying that I would never have a baby. Then, I would be fine again. VERY exhausting!!

I have to admit I have begun to wrap my head around IVF. It's a very scary and exciting prospect. Besides the $$, the side effects of the medication scares me the most. The $$ part I have to toss up to God. It's either going to work or not. In the back of my head there is this place that says "That's a lot of money, what if it does not work?" That is a bad place to linger. oi!

So, one more month of Clomid and then if all does not work....IVF. I have cleared my work schedule for September. Just me, my hubby, and a whole lots of medication...plus prayers.

I have decided not to tell anyone about IVF. Well, my best girl, but that's it. I can't have the hens looking over my shoulder. It's a lot of pressure.

xoxo

Monday, July 28, 2008

As luck would have it...

I was out of town when I ovulated. We did the best we could and I guess there is a small chance that I could have got pregnant.

My husband and I have decided to hit the IVF trail. Looking to do it in Sept. I am scared and overwhelmed, but will take it one step at a time.

xo

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

I Feel So Happy!!

Day 3 u/s today. I was so sure the cyst was back and bigger than before. BUT NO!!! I was WRONG. For the 1st time in 2 years, I had NO CYSTS!!! I started crying right then and there.

Thank you God!!!

Now, get your prayers going for me....either that ovulation happens early or late. I am out of town July 21 and 22nd(Day 15-16). If there is a prayer for me, that is it.

I feel very positive. Maybe this is the month. We all live in the maybe, don't we?

Good Luck to me and to you.
xoxoxo

Monday, July 7, 2008

Day 1....New Game!

Hi Team,
Hope your 4th was GREAT. I had a visitor the whole weekend and it rained WAY too much. Got my period and ready to go. Day 3 u/s clomid, acupuncture(new), and IUI.

I am taking this cycle very serious. good food, exercise, and no drinking. I was planning out the calendar and will be out of town 2 very crucial days. I am praying I don't ovulate one of those days. I almost cried...well, I did a little bit. I sometimes wonder if this job gets in the way of me getting pregnant.

Here we go again! I am ready and willing to get pregnant.

xoxoxo

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Patience is not a virtue of mine and I really don't try to embrace it either. I want it and I get it. My husband leaves for school on Sunday and will be gone the whole week. I am willing ovulation to happen BEFORE he leaves. Peeing on sticks and hoping.

Sex In The City SPOILER:

I am happy Charlotte got pregnant. I cried.

xoxo

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Where am I?

Hello Team, Here I am. I have been so busy I forgot that I was infertile. Sort of. I have been to the beach, swam my heart out, and connected with my Father. Hooray. I had time to think about this life I have been given. I am pretty darned lucky.

I felt myself sinking into the bitter pit of IF and I just can't do it. I won't be sad/mad when someone tells me that they are pregnant or not be able to get out of bed on Mother's Day. I just won't...can't. I gotta get my GA (good attitude) on. I will get pregnant and have a baby. Bottom line. How? Now that's a story for another time.

Join me! Put YOUR GA on. Got it your sad. Got it your disappointed. Got it your mad, pissed, broke, etc. Life is passing you by. Look at the bright side of things. Focus on 2-3 positive things a day.

Getting off my soap box now and sending positive thoughts to the IF world.

(p.s. I might not always feel like this, but I am sure as fuck going to try)

xoxoxxo

Monday, June 9, 2008

Where is this yellow brick road going....

Oh lord, it's been quite a few days. Let's just say I have been up and down the IF river. My period showed Day 28 on time. boo.

I have been thinking about what's next for us. My husband will be out of town when I am ovulating next so no clomid or IUI for us. Taking a break. (hello white wine)

Taking a break..that is what we are telling people. I learned the hard way that IF is not something you share with randoms. Too many people asking and too many people to tell. Taking a break. I like it.

Still hoping... I have something to admit. I may have been doing this trying to get pregnant thing wrong. Well, not that wrong. ;) But, I def. have not been counting my cycle days right and I have DEFINITELY not been using the OPK at the right time. I started using them on Day 15...oops. Bad me.

So still hoping, but taking a break for June.

Seriously considering IVF for Sept....no ins. coverage and scared to give myself shots.

But still hoping.

xoxo

Friday, June 6, 2008

The Verdict is In.

Not Pregnant.

I finally worked up the courage to take a HPT and as fast as fast could be one pink line appeared. I kept willing the other line to show up, but it didn't. I am just so sad right now. It's hard to keep my mind right here instead in the fact that I will never have kids and why fucking me.
The feeling in my stomach is so deep and so sad. There are too many people I have to tell that it did not work, I have to work my travel schedule around another IUI, and I have to continue on this sad path of IF.

My husband is out of town and I barely caught him on the cell to tell him. His response as it is every month is that we will try again. He seems so un-engaged in this whole process although I am sure that's not true.

I need a nap. I just can't believe it.....

Thursday, June 5, 2008

NERRRR-VOUSSSSSS

It's coming to the end of my 2WW and I can hardly believe it. I have been gratefully very busy with work and had little time to think about it until TODAY! I keep feeling my boobs, checking for spotting, and all around trying to will myself pregnant. I am either pregnant or getting my period. Ain't that the story of my life.

Last night, exhausted, I was thinking about how much time and energy IF takes up in my life. I am just sick of it. WARNING PITY PARTY~ Why me?????

Okay,done. I might get a HPT on my way home from work.

Still praying and squeezing my boobs.

xoxo

Friday, May 23, 2008

Food Poisoning and an IUI

Um, yeah you read the post right. I ate crab soup, got food poisoning, had to have sex, and then the next morning get up for my IUI! Who says I don't want a baby?

Everything went well with the IUI, but my Dr. did say it was a little early to be ovulating. I did it anyhow. The sperm was GREAT. I felt like shit and sort of still do.

Just for giggles, I did an OPK this morning and it was positive.


Sex marathon weekend! In our new tent! Camping and sex...what could be better?

xoxo

Monday, May 19, 2008

Nothing....

No side effects yet. Last night of clomid tonight! Started OPK's on Saturday just to be sure. I am so unsure of all the timing of everything. My husband and I have two very important trips planned these next two weekends. ...both can be cancelled, but I need a good camping trip. I need dirt between by toes..I need to sleep in my tent.

still praying and still hoping.
xoxo

Thursday, May 15, 2008

All My Eggs in One Basket!

T-Minus 12 hours until Clomid pill #1. My Dr. said he felt comfortable since the cyst had shrunk that it was okay to move forward. I fell very positive. I almost skipped away from the Pharmacy with my little package of pills.

My husband and I said a prayer today. I really hope this works.....greedily, I am praying on the first shot.

xoxoxo

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

How to be positive in a not so positive world of IF

Just got back from my Day 3 u/s. When I was checking in I noticed how large my file was and I thought back to when I started at the clinic and seeing other women's files. I remember praying that my file would not be that big...EVER! Look at me now. oi.

Anyhow, the plan was to start clomid and hope that my cyst would not be effected. The Dr. I saw was very concerned about that even though my cyst had shrunk a little bit. She asked me if I would be willing to wait. I literally whined at her, "but I have been waiting so long." I felt my heart drop. So, I have the prescription and I am waiting for a call from my normal Dr. to see his thoughts.

I really am trying to be positive, but these last few days have really been tough. I want to get this show on the road. I want to be off this barren path and onto the flowered path filled with poopy diapers and sleepless nights.

xoxox

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Today is a better and brighter day.....

Boy, did I have a shitty day yesterday. I was thankful that we had our therapists appt. last night. It gave my husband a chance to talk about how he was feeling about all of this infertility. Wow, were my eyes opened.

He said that he has been trying to remain calm since I have not been calm(before my breakthrough) I interpreted that by thinking that he did not care if we had a baby or not. He was under-emotioned and I was over. Wow!

I was still waffling about clomid and then he said something real real stupid after our appt. I almost had the cab turn around and get back to the therapist so we could talk about it. I was saying I was not sure about IVF and he said, "Of course you are doing IVF...It's no big deal"

Holy shit..no big deal. I asked him to stop talking right then and there. I need to get him some info.

I adore him and our marriage has never been better, but shit...."no big deal?" HA!

I am doing clomid. Day 3 u/s tomorrow. hope the cyst is gone and we can get this show on the road.

xoxoxo

Monday, May 12, 2008

Raining inside and out....

I got my period today. I knew it was coming, but it came so early. I feel sad...the sadness broke through my recently optimistic outlook and sat right down. I start clomid this month and feeling a bit unhopeful about it. Will it work? What will it do to my mood? Am I going to gain weight? Will I feel disappointed if it does not work? How many months?

Part of me just wants to run right into IVF, but I am having a hard time getting past the cost for a chance. I can do the $$ for clomid and IUI, but $15k just sets me back and what if that does not work either.

Okay, deep breath and be here now.

God, please let me get pregnant.

xoxox

p.s. I had ice cream for lunch. It helped

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

You know how video killed the radio star?

Well, IF ruined my sex life! The other night I caught myself trying to watch the Phillies game while we were "doing" it. Doing it..hoping "it" is timed right. I feel bad for my husband because every month, I give him the days we must have sex. It's so uninspired and boring. It's a business. I wonder what happened to that sex loving woman who would surprise her husband in the shower?

I am not even sure if I pee on the pee stick right.

If I did, then I did not ovulate this month or maybe I am getting ready to ovulate right now. I might ovulate late. It's all so confusing for me. I read other IF blogs and the terminology makes me crazy. I don't understand it, but I guess I better soon.

Still on my positive path. While waiting for our 1st Clomid cycle, I have been able to take a deep breath and have a cup of coffee...okay, and some wine. ;)

My prayer every night remains: God, please let me get pregnant.

xoxoox

Monday, April 28, 2008

The Cyst that Won't Quit!

As previously posted, it's not that I had not completely healed...that darn cyst is back...and the same size. Oi! I could not start clomid yet because of that cyst.

My Dr. called(for the last 6 months my Day 3 has been on a Sat or Sun) and and we are going to move forward with Clomid next month no matter what. My husband and I are trying the natural way this month and I am trying to allow myself to feel positive...and that darn elusive hopefulness.

Deep Breath!!!

Pee sticks out....GA (good attitude) on.

My prayers is as follows: Dear God, please let me get pregnant.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Just thinking.....

It's funny since we made the choice to do clomid with IUI for 4 cycles how many people have come out of the woodwork to say clomid did not work for me......

Anyone out there that clomid has worked for?

Anyone think we should just push forward to IVF?

I need advice.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

A Nicer, More Relaxed Me!

Since my big boo hoo on Monday, I have had a bit of an "Ah-Ha" Moment about fertility issue...well, more like life issues, but particularly in regards to my fertility problems.

I have decided that my new outlook is that: It is what it is!! There is nothing I need to do to change the path has been chosen for me. All I need to do is be present and in the moment. I feel like the last 16 months of trying to have a baby has been like wearing a 200 pound coat and all the fun has been sucked from our life. My husband has suffered and so have I.

I shed that coat...took a deep breath and realized that today is too precious to waste on worry and upset.

Phew! It's a practice like yoga, but I am working it.

On a treatment note, I had my day 3 ultra sound today and unfortunately, I am not healed enough from my surgery to start Clomid. Dr. S and I are going to talk on Monday to discuss the pics from the ultrasound. I could have been really upset, but I invoked my new attitude and rolled with it.

Today is a beautiful day and I invite you to open the windows and let the spring air tickle your tootsies.

xxoxo

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Back from Surgery and ready to kick some a**

I know it's been a while, but I have been in a drug induced haze recovering from my surgery. What an ordeal? Who knew that it would take me a week to recover?

Good news and bad news....the cyst was attached to my bowel. They got it, but the right tube could not be completely opened. The left tube is open and ready for business. Both ovaries looked good.

Anyhow, saw Dr. S on Monday and he confirmed everything I already knew, but the statistics he gave me about my chances of getting pregnant made me very sad. I had to leave work early to go home, have a good cry, snuggle with my kitty, and take a big old fat afternoon nap.

I am better. A statistic is a statistic. I feel in every core of my being that I will get pregnant and be a mom. It's just there...a feeling that is real and true. My darling husband, when we discussed IVF, said we'll take out a loan...simple as that. And before I had time to lash out at him, it hit me...we'll take out a loan. Small miracles in pursuit of a loving happy marriage between two adults. ;)

Plan Spring 2008~ 4 rounds on clomid. Waiting for my period to start..and off we go.

My commitment to myself, my husband, and my soon to be conceived baby is that I will remain calm, I will exercise to support that, and I will allow myself to be optimistic..despite some pretty frightening statistics.

xox

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Cysts, scaring and a big old fat why me???

Hi,
I just got off the phone with my Dr. I had a MRI on Monday to figure out what to do with my pesky cyst on my right ovary. As a bit of history, the cyst is why I have not started clomid for the last 6 months. Anyhooo, I have to have surgery at the end of the month to suck that sucker out. Very easy and out patient.

My conversation with Dr. S. did not go as planned. My hope would be that he would say once we get that out you will FOR SURE get pregnant. He did not say that...he said there is a good chance, but with all the scaring you may have to got for IVF.

Oh Lord, I was hoping to avoid IVF. Is is bad that I want that $$ for my new kitchen? Does that make me a bad almost mother?

So we decided that after the surgery we would meet in 3 weeks to discuss out next steps. I had a dream last night about "taking over a baby" from a bad mother. It was just like she was my own. Is it time to think about adoption?

I try not to wallow, but I would love to stand on a hill and shout...Why me?
xo

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Don't Read Fertility Blogs!

Okay, so I am guilty..

I have spent the last 3 weeks reading fertility blogs. If you are trying to get pregnant I don't recommend it.

Here is what I came away with...
1. I know nothing about fertility treatments. I just show up and hope for the best
2. I don't understand any of the acronyms...I just figured out what RE meant.
3. Women who have fertility problems and get pregnant should not complain about morning sickness. It's really annoying
4. Fertility issues are sad.

So, I have banned myself from reading most of them. I am reading about a woman who just gave birth to twins and one was still born. I pray for her and the baby.

Good luck to all of us.
xo

Monday, March 3, 2008

Starting Now!

This is my first post on my first blog! Don't judge by spelling mistakes or grammatical errors....I am moving fast.

I am starting this blog to help myself. I need a place to dump all of my feelings about my fertility issues. So here it goes.....

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 1 1/2 years. I have had all the tests and so has he. There is "no reason" why we should not be getting pregnant...except...I have a huge cyst on my right ovary. In a few weeks, I will have this removed. Thank God! I am sick of talking about it, seeing it on my Day 3 utlrasounds, and wondering if that is the reason.

Thanks for reading. I plan to post regularly!!!